Tim Tebow- Electric Weirdo Supreme

Timothy Richard Tebow was born in 1987. And by “born” I mean – genetically crafted in the basement of an evangelical baby lab using the recommended ratio of 3 parts awesome to one part creepy. His formative years were surely spent knee deep in wholesome activities like sports, ice cream socials, fellowship and maybe a quick game of “Don’t touch the girl,” or “Shame in my pants.” Whatever. Doesn’t matter. 

Bottom line – it worked. He has two N.C.A.A. football championships, a Heisman trophy and is currently carving up the N.F.L. He has generously given of his time and effort and looks like he’s been chiseled out of “wonder granite.” All good. Rubber stamped by the NASCAR crowd. Rubber stamped by America. And rightfully so. There is seemingly nothing he hasn’t done right. Zero. Ta-Da!

“But during the summer what does he do? Twist blunts, fight in bars, kick a pregnant girl?”

Close! He travels to the Philippines and helps – wait for it – chiiillldddrrreeennnnn!  What a dick! Dickothy Tebastard!  Blah! 

 

This seems to be the feel. People seem to line up around the block to take a poke at Tebow. But for me, with this guy  – I don’t mind all the stuff I normally hate. I just don’t. I really kind of like him. I like Tebow.

Are his proselytizing skills out of control? Clearly. He’s a black belt church nut. If Kurt Warner thinks you need to take your foot off the “God Pedal” then you, sir, are crowding our savior. Give the heavenly father some space. This kid is riding the Lords jock so tight that even Jesus needs a Guy Night away. 

Plus I’ve never understood the whole “give it up to Jesus” after a touchdown pass thing. You don’t see the safety screaming at Jesus for a blown coverage. “Hey, Jesus! Pull your head out of your ass and play the ball not the man. Christ!” 

The losing Super Bowl quarterback never says. “Before we get to some questions, I would like to pin our repeated offensive breakdowns on our Lord and Savior. He can walk on water but he can’t run a post route. Thanks for nothing, Jesus.” 

And the head coach never says “We had this game wrapped up until Jesus went all “money changers” for a 15 yard personal foul. The king of kings can expect a letter from the commissioner.”

 

Also – the “saving myself for marriage” thing is charming in a woman – disingenuous in men. Fact – People who save themselves for marriage are up to 10 times dirtier than actual sinners because they find creative ways to do everything but the actual thing. They’re like lawyers looking for a loophole. And they find it in the most disturbing ways.

Is Tim Tebow inspiring? Clearly. But is he authentic? Thats the question. My fear is that he might inspire us right up to the point where HIS LONGTIME, TRANNY LOVER, DIEGO, SHOWS UP IN FRONT OF RELIANT STADIUM ON A SUNDAY MORNING, IN A DIRTY KAMONO, HIGH ON SPRAY PAINT AND FEELING IGNORED!

Diego – Teemy! Teemy! 

Tebow – Jeepers! Why are you here?

Diego – Teemy! Teembo!

Tebow – Go back to the motel!

Diego – You no glad see me?

Tebow – I’ll text you later.

Diego – But I so lonely, Papi. I so lonely. I WANT TO BE IN THE SUNSHINE TEEMY! I WANT TO MEET YOU FRIENDS! HI! HI, EVERYBODY!!!

Tebow – No!!!

Diego – I HE WIFE. HE ME PAPI !!! 

Tim – Nope.

Diego – TEEMY ME FAWNKEY MONKEY, BABY BUNNY!!!!

Tim – CAMP SONGS! READY? 1-2-3-4 – JOHN JACOB JINGLEHIMMERSCMIDTTTTT!!!

Diego – TEEEEEEEMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, This has been a reenactment. And I hope to God I’m wrong. I truly do. We need Tim Tebow. Now more than ever. But lets just calm down, take a deep breath and see what he does before we carve his weird ass on Mount Rushmore.

This country has been through enough.

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